Greater Things

Daycare is causing mental illness in children.

I stumbled across Erica Komisar’s ARC speech on YouTube and it ate at me. My daughter goes to daycare 5 days a week. Does this apply to me and my child? I had a responsibility to find out. I searched her name on Amazon, and bought her book “Being There.” And I read. 

"Being There" focuses on the importance of the mother's presence in her child's life in the first 1,000 days (or three years).

Takeaways & Tidbits from "Being There"

Motherhood is not about me, it's about my baby.

Motherhood is the most important thing I'll do in my life.

The Mother acts as the child's emotional regulator in the first three years for anxiety and fear.

When a young child is dropped off at daycare, the child is basically holding their breath emotionally until they're picked up.

The second you come home from work, your sole focus is your baby until your baby goes to sleep. Pee before you leave work and eat a snack on the way home.

If babies aren't getting enough time with their mom during the day, they'll wake up more at night in order to spend time with you.

Mother’s teach children intimacy and how to have loving relationships. This foundation is built when they're young and they carry it into adulthood.

Mothers are the love objects of attachment and fathers are the love objects of separation. A child needs both.

Quantity time allows for quality time, you can’t force quality time with a baby. Seeing your child 90 minutes a day is not enough.

If it's hard to be present emotionally with your baby, your mom likely wasn't present either emotionally or physically with you.

The desire to go back to work instead of staying home with your child could actually be a sign of postpartum depression.

Early independence in babies and toddlers is a sign of unhealthy attachment.

Attachment to the primary caregiver is a work in progress during the first three years.

My Response

First, I monitored my presence. With the time I had with my daughter, was I being present with her? Sadly, no. I was concerned with my needs far too much of the time and I allowed my phone to distract me. I had to make some changes. I made sure my needs were met before my daughter came home from school, and I hid my phone from view. I removed discomfort and distraction.

Even with these new 'rules', being present is still something I have to fight for. But it's so glorious when I win the fight! The joy for both of us is priceless. I've noticed since being mindful of my presence that my daughter has become more affectionate and more expressive. I've become less anxious and I enjoy being with my daughter more than ever.

Next, I considered whether daycare was negatively affecting my daughter. My daughter is at a Montessori school, so it's not your traditional 'institutional care', and she's one of two in her current class. Erica gave examples of behavior of children who have healthy attachment vs unhealthy attachment in her book, so I compared those examples to my daughter and I was mostly pleased.

But when I thought back to the start of her daycare journey (at 6 months old), I was devastated. I remember picking her up from her first day, and she just had a blank look on her face. She was despondent. I thought she was exhausted at the time, but according to the book she was actually depressed. Midway through the second day the daycare called and recommended I come get her. When we picked her up she had the same look on her face. I remember her teacher saying she was concerned maybe my daughter was coming down with an illness but she just wasn't 'herself'. I held her all night for a couple months. She did battle sickness after sickness, but she also just missed her mama during the day so the nighttime became our time. My daughter ultimately bonded with her teacher and she was both happy to be at school and happy to be at home.

Going Part Time

The decision to go part time to spend more time with my daughter came from reading this book. The importance of the work of motherhood and the importance of my presence in my daughter's life has never been more clear and pressing to me. It's a sacrificial decision for my family but it's also a selfish one if I'm being honest. The days are long but the years are short, and I don't want to miss them doing lesser things.

I highly encourage you to give Erica Komisar's book "Being There" a read. Especially if you scoffed or questioned any part of what I wrote. There are lots of people that say daycare is great for socialization and that kids are resilient and independence as early as possible is a good thing. Well, you know what is a good thing? Hearing both sides and making an informed decision.

Happy New Year!